there's no such thing as honesty.

i think once your heart is broken, you never fully recover. once you have loved (or convinced yourself that you have loved) a person deeply enough to let them hurt you, you never make it back. i’m not one to let my guard down. at least, not in real life. ironically, i have no issues with spilling my every thought, feeling, desire, hope, and sadness in a blog to an entire online world of strangers. maybe because i feel like they will understand me because they express themselves too. either way, i could never tell my family and friends how broken i still am.

i sit in my dorm room and look at pictures of branden and me. and not even just of us. i look at pictures of casey and me, cameron and me, samantha and me. all of these wonderful friends that i “gained” through this relationship. and i wonder where the fuck they went too.

branden, i don’t want to think i wasted time with you. because i didn’t. i was able to discover new things to learn, new music to live by, new hopes and dreams to follow. you made me a better person. and i thank you for that. but i am banged up. mentally and emotionally. literally and metaphorically. every day i walk outside and i wonder how i’m going to possibly make it through another day feeling the way i feel thanks to you.

i never thought that we would go back to our lives like this. with me here, you there. pretending that we don’t know each other. maybe it’s for the best. but what if it’s not?

i want so badly to be happy. to like. to love. to LIVE
i should be stronger than this. really, i should.